obviously, i haven't done a very good job of keeping up with this since it's been 5 or 6 months since i posted something last.
but i had a couple of things on my mind and wanted to write them down before they left me forever.
at church on sunday morning there was a guest speaker, jerry thorpe, who spoke last year about this time and we'd really enjoyed. this year he spoke about the challenges we face in life and how we see those challenges, as well as the challenges jesus has given us.
after the message as we sang the last song, i looked up to see a young guy, probably 17 or 18, with his arms around a girl hugging her so tightly. it seemed as if they were dating and had gone through some tragedy. he hugged her for what seemed like forever, though probably just a few minutes. when they released from their embrace, i realized it wasn't his girlfriend, but his mom. and neither was upset. he just hugged her to hug her.
then he grabbed his grandmother on the other side of him and did the same thing to her. just to show that he loved her.
i was sort of stunned. there are so few people, boys especially, and 17 year olds especially, that will do something so sweet and caring. and sometimes we just need someone to give us a hug, even when we don't think we need it. sometimes that hug can squeeze out the feelings we forgot about and allows us to release them.
so i want someone to hug me like that someday.
the other thing is that i've been feeling bad for a few months now. i keep having some dizziness and nausea that hits me. during the christmas break i went to the endocrinologist and she ordered a full blood work up and sent me to the cardiologist and obgyn for a pelvic ultrasound. turns out my heart has an abnormality, but is functioning well. the obgyn diagnosed me with something called pcos, which has several side effects and can cause infertility. i went back yesterday for some blood work with her to see if that seems to be the case with me, and if i need to be on meds to try to correct that or not. i should find out wednesday the results of the gyno's blood work, and thursday i head back to the endo to get the results from the big workup.
i anticipate that the main news on thursday will just confirm the pcos, but i'm hoping to also get some news about what might be causing this nausea business. i lost about 6 pounds last week because i felt so bad i rarely ate. i've never not wanted to eat. it was weird. unfortunately i've gained most of that weight back in the last 2 days. whatever the case, i just want to be normal again.
my new fear is that i won't be able to have kids. it's something that i've tried to be lighthearted about, but the possibility is starting to sink in. i dreamed last night that i was super preggers and about to give birth, and that was really exciting. plus i looked really cute, which is always a bonus.
anyway, i know that there are always other options if i can't have kids myself. but there's just something about knowing that you can't do something that you always thought you could do. something you even tried to control so it would happen how you wanted.
alex has been pretty cool about the whole thing (as he normally is), saying he's happy however we do things, kids or no kids. i've spent so long not thinking about kids that now that i'm starting to really want them i just feel defeated.
i don't really have much else to say about that at this point, but it's just something that's been on my mind. we'll see what i find out in the next couple of days and how things look for the foreseeable future. i'm just trying really hard to keep things in perspective and look at the big picture. and i'm trying to remember the same thing i felt the first time i was disappointed in not being pregnant. there's a plan that i don't know anything about. and so far there have been so many things that have happened that never would have if things had gone the way i thought they should. and i know they always say the whole "god closing a door and opening a window" thing, but i'm starting to put a lot of faith in that.
and anyone who's spent much time with me can agree that i'm not miss positivity. but i'm doing my best to not let myself sink and keep my head afloat. i'm just starting to worry a bit that my son won't ever hug me like that boy did on sunday.
