keeping afloat

obviously, i haven't done a very good job of keeping up with this since it's been 5 or 6 months since i posted something last.

but i had a couple of things on my mind and wanted to write them down before they left me forever.

at church on sunday morning there was a guest speaker, jerry thorpe, who spoke last year about this time and we'd really enjoyed. this year he spoke about the challenges we face in life and how we see those challenges, as well as the challenges jesus has given us.

after the message as we sang the last song, i looked up to see a young guy, probably 17 or 18, with his arms around a girl hugging her so tightly. it seemed as if they were dating and had gone through some tragedy. he hugged her for what seemed like forever, though probably just a few minutes. when they released from their embrace, i realized it wasn't his girlfriend, but his mom. and neither was upset. he just hugged her to hug her.

then he grabbed his grandmother on the other side of him and did the same thing to her. just to show that he loved her.

i was sort of stunned. there are so few people, boys especially, and 17 year olds especially, that will do something so sweet and caring. and sometimes we just need someone to give us a hug, even when we don't think we need it. sometimes that hug can squeeze out the feelings we forgot about and allows us to release them.

so i want someone to hug me like that someday.

the other thing is that i've been feeling bad for a few months now. i keep having some dizziness and nausea that hits me. during the christmas break i went to the endocrinologist and she ordered a full blood work up and sent me to the cardiologist and obgyn for a pelvic ultrasound. turns out my heart has an abnormality, but is functioning well. the obgyn diagnosed me with something called pcos, which has several side effects and can cause infertility. i went back yesterday for some blood work with her to see if that seems to be the case with me, and if i need to be on meds to try to correct that or not. i should find out wednesday the results of the gyno's blood work, and thursday i head back to the endo to get the results from the big workup.

i anticipate that the main news on thursday will just confirm the pcos, but i'm hoping to also get some news about what might be causing this nausea business. i lost about 6 pounds last week because i felt so bad i rarely ate. i've never not wanted to eat. it was weird. unfortunately i've gained most of that weight back in the last 2 days. whatever the case, i just want to be normal again.

my new fear is that i won't be able to have kids. it's something that i've tried to be lighthearted about, but the possibility is starting to sink in. i dreamed last night that i was super preggers and about to give birth, and that was really exciting. plus i looked really cute, which is always a bonus.

anyway, i know that there are always other options if i can't have kids myself. but there's just something about knowing that you can't do something that you always thought you could do. something you even tried to control so it would happen how you wanted.

alex has been pretty cool about the whole thing (as he normally is), saying he's happy however we do things, kids or no kids. i've spent so long not thinking about kids that now that i'm starting to really want them i just feel defeated.

i don't really have much else to say about that at this point, but it's just something that's been on my mind. we'll see what i find out in the next couple of days and how things look for the foreseeable future. i'm just trying really hard to keep things in perspective and look at the big picture. and i'm trying to remember the same thing i felt the first time i was disappointed in not being pregnant. there's a plan that i don't know anything about. and so far there have been so many things that have happened that never would have if things had gone the way i thought they should. and i know they always say the whole "god closing a door and opening a window" thing, but i'm starting to put a lot of faith in that.

and anyone who's spent much time with me can agree that i'm not miss positivity. but i'm doing my best to not let myself sink and keep my head afloat. i'm just starting to worry a bit that my son won't ever hug me like that boy did on sunday.

follow through

just wanted to say that i did what i'd say and actually ran last night. yes, it was painfully slow. surprisingly very little actual pain, though. i knew not to go too hard (not that i ever really do) since i'd barely run the last few weeks. but i did it.

and i lost two pounds.

score for me.

so far today i've been good. we're going to some friends' house tonight for them to work on their bikes while i eat and drink. so probably not the best plan ever. but that's okay. cause today's my rest day before my "long run" tomorrow.

i think i'm gonna win this half.

beating the heat

last week was a mess. at least the last couple days of it were. we had kids moving in and out at work and sadly, not giving me a better love of football players. they're just so loud. and why can't they do anything by themselves? anyway, friday especially was long and stressful. i tried to not complain about it too much because it's probably the 3rd or 4th stressful day since i started this job almost a year ago. whatever the case, i was exhausted and decided i deserved mexican food. i somehow managed to talk alex into this idea and rolled ourselves home. i was stuck working a few hours saturday morning to keep things under control for a few more move ins/outs. i came home excited that i'd at least done something before 11 this weekend.

i was about to ask alex if he wanted to go daydream about fridges when he asked me the same thing. i was pumped. we knew we'd probably be ready for a fridge in the next few months, and just wanted to take a look around and get an idea of what we wanted. i checked the websites of a few stores around town to see where we'd look first and saw that best buy was having a pretty good sale leftover from the 4th. we used some of the prices we saw to compare.

there was one fridge at best buy that seemed like it'd be the closest to what we want, but it was still a little more expensive than what we'd seen online. then we went to lowes and got some more information from the guys there, but were still facing a higher pricepoint overall. everywhere else in town was even higher. we went home to do some more research and ended up deciding on a fridge that we didn't even look at. it was the cheapest we'd seen and on sale almost half off. so i was able to get one that was bigger, more value, and still cheaper than we'd looked at.

we ordered it.

and then alex ordered a new laptop.

we think we grew a money tree in the backyard.

so alex was going to order the laptop anyway for his birthday next month. and this one was better and cheaper than the ones he'd been looking at. and he got a $100 giftcard out of it as well. so that's awesome. and for such a great deal on the fridge, it was really really hard to pass up. plus we got a great financing deal on it, so we can space out payments a little easier. we should still have both paid off in a few months, so we don't feel guilty. actually, this is the first big purchase we've made that we haven't felt instant regret. and we hadn't even seen the fridge.

anyway, yesterday the fridge came in. mom and dad came down to help us get it moved in, which was a huge help. mom spent about 10 minutes making sure every dot of styrofoam in the floor. so they drove down to see us, moved two fridges, cleaned up, sat around waiting forever, and then bought us more mexican food. my parents are pretty amazing.

in the time we sat there waiting for alex to get there with the fridge, dad asked me about running. i said i was debating about running a half in their town in october. dad said that was crazy and probably not to do it. i said i was still thinking about it and hadn't made a decision. dad said he wasn't going. i knew he didn't want to anyway, so that was fine. then he started talking about how good the first half was. then he started talking about how he'd only run a few miles less than that on his birthday in september. and how it wasn't too bad. and maybe we'd do it. by the time we got the fridge in, everytime we'd stop for something he'd talk more about what the plan was. at dinner he'd decided we were going and it was going to be great. yes, dad gets his mind on something and sticks with it for a several days.

so i guess i'm going into training mode. the good thing is that i didn't run for an entire month before my half in march, so that gives me some hope. my goal is to get in a good run saturday, probably just 3-5, but much more than i've done lately. with 106 degree days at 50% humidity, it'd just painful to get out there. so hopefully i can keep things minimal during the week and make my saturdays productive. time will tell.

new fridge and new training plan. and hopefully 10 pounds of weight off me. time will tell. i can't wait go to home and get started.

back into the swing of things

so i've been back from vacation a few days now and am getting settled back into work. vacation overall was pretty boring, but i still prefer it to work. yes, i know that if i was truly a housewife, i'd be bored out of my mind and need an escape. but the idea of just a part time job sounds magical to me. and i really think i have enough interests now i could fill my time pretty well. vacation was just tricky because i was trying to do things i normally wouldn't want to do. but whatever.

we kicked off the vacation with the trip to broken bow, oklahoma. anniversary trip with the in-laws? that's correct. actually i really like my in-laws and appreciate the fact that they want to drive us around and pay for a trip for us. i was pretty excited about getting to do some things i love in a new place away from work.

overall, good trip. i tend to plan things a litlte too much sometimes, so not having a plan makes me a little crazy. alex's parents don't plan. mine don't really either, i guess, but they tend to think about what they want to do and if there's a best way to go about that. alex's parents just do it.

we left early saturday morning and managed to check in a few hours early. we got settled in and had some lunch and then left again to scout out fishing spots and make a golf tee time. being the brilliant person i am, i remembered change out of my jeans and into some shorts before leaving. super smart. why? because they ended up fishing for like 3 hours while i sat there. i wasn't smart enough to bring a book (or camera) just in case, cause i thought it was going to be a quick trip. so sad. and kind of boring. but pretty. AND i got to see a little otter running around and swimming in the river. it made the entire trip worth it. looked just like uzi.

came home to make some dinner (my delicious beans and blueberry peach cobbler. can't beat em.) and watched "nothing but trouble." hung out in the hot tub and tried to save the lightning bugs from their suicide missions into the tub. the guys made their tee time for the next morning, so we knew that we'd need to get up, take them to the golf course, and then spend the next 3 or so hours doing something else. i tried to convince my m-i-l to go trail running with me. she wasn't very excited but agreed to try. lucky for her the trails are super rocky and slippery and not a good idea for novice trail runners. so we walked. then she tricked me into climbing this mountain for a view. the view never happened. but we didn't die or fall. success.

picked the guys up and came back for lunch. the us open was on and alex's dad LOVES to watch golf (and fox news). so i played along for a little bit and then snuck outside to read. i made it a whole chapter into "water for elephants" and fell asleep. i was concerned that my neck would break from the rolling of my head, so i moved inside and passed out in my bed for an hour or so. the good news? there was still like 3 hours of the golf tournament left! so that was awesome. i finished up some knitting and tried to right off a headache. we were going to go down the river again, but i realized that dinner was gonna take a couple hours to cook and it was already 6. my m-i-l and i stayed back while the guys fished. dinner was good (stuffed shells) and i was wiped out from my day of nothing, so i crashed.

the next morning we got up early for the guys to fish and the girls to eat pancakes and clean up. alex and i had our stuff packed up, so mostly there wasn't much to do. i got to sit outside and read with a cup of coffee for an hour or so while it wasn't 1000 degrees outside. it was perfect. exactly what i wanted to do. no, i didn't ever get to read by the river, but that's okay. the guys got back and the girls prepared for their spa experience. we were pumped.

turns out they set us up for a couple's massage because they thought we wanted that. no problem. what a treat, though. the bed was made by the owner's husband, a chiropractor. the sound of the music comes from within the bed, which is kind of strange, but cool. so they basically drizzle hot shea butter all over you (including your hair) and massage it into you. then they sprinkle sea salts on you and exfoliate. and then they wrap you on hot towels. it was fantastic. plus we got to eat some amazing cheesecake brownies afterward and drink cucumber water (and i don't even like cucumbers). great experience.

the fun thing is that you can't wash the shea butter out of your hair. so we drove home a little greasy and smelling like fish bait (that's what the guys told us). after about 3 stops on the way home for alex's dad to eat (he seriously had like 4 big meals that day before 5), we made it home. the puppies were thrilled, especially after the storms and tornadoes that came through while we were gone.

the rest of the week was kind of boring and a bit of a blur. tuesday we went to see x-men with our friend matt. my hair was still in a ponytail thanks to the shea butter (took 2 big pre-washes/ regular washes with dawn to get it all out). movie was great. magneto's just awesome. first place at trivia that night (whoo!). wednesday we had father's day lunch with dad at this itty bitty store a billion miles away. it was pretty good for forestburg. i ran that evening at the park while alex hit golf balls at the driving range with buck. came home to host poker night- black eyed pea dip and cranberry oatmeal cookies. buck brought a girl over to watch "the big lebowski" with me. it was her first time to see it, so i tried to keep my mouth shut and let her just enjoy it. i did okay.

i made a quick decision on thursday to cut my hair at a cheap place. boy was it not what i asked for. overall the cut's not too bad, it's just nothing like i asked. i said long bob, angled to the front, long enough for a ponytail, no stacking. i got chin-length bob, straight, too short for a ponytail, stacked. first time i almost cried after a haircut. at least i could get pig tails out of it and ended up being able to sort of finagle a ponytail. could be worse. much worse.

i spent thursday with mom picking out fabric for her bedroom and exploring homegoods. the guy filling in for alex took us out for dinner that night. i swear pasta is so overpriced in restaurants. it's crazy. 14 bucks for linguine in a (really bad, really thick) cream sauce with 7 shrimp. that was it. nuts. lost big time at trivia, but our waitress remembered us after just one trip, so that was awesome.

our 5th anniversary didn't start off too great. my fault. my favorite shirt (nobody puts baby in a corner, you know the one) somehow got bleach stains all over it. i went on this big rant about how all of my clothes are getting ruined, which is true. but that sort of lead to a meltdown. i felt super fat that day anyway (remember the linguine with cream sauce) and was frustrated about my hair still. just a bad morning. we had lunch at cheesecake factory so alex would shut up about it and stop trying to kill me through the 5 billion calories in each item on the menu. the food really is good, but man, it's so bad for you. i ordered the french salad, which was so so good. we came home and watched some tv and movies. took the dogs for a walk and got snow cones. kept things pretty chill.

saturday we remembered that alex's uncle was leaving town and asked if we could borrow his pool. we decided to take the dogs with us to see if they would have fun in the pool. the answer to that is no. poor gandalf can't keep his butt up. from the amount of arm splashing he does, i think he may just not use his back legs at all. he tried, though. and never would jump in to us, but can at least do a little.

uzi was the big shocker. she's not interested at all in going in the water, but once she does, man she's good. she looks just like a little alligator.

sunday we went to our church for the first time in weeks and spent the rest of the day trying to pretend we didn't have to work the next day and figuring out our plans for food and working out. big surprise, we're gonna try one more time to eat right and exercise. so far so good, though. i'm about 4 pounds less than my highest last week. we tend to do okay when we're really focused together. plus being broke keeps us from eating out or doing things other than than working out. so that's helpful.

but yeah, overall, an okay vacation. we could have done something else fun if we had the money, but whatever. it was nice to just hang out and be together. i'm already looking forward to the next bit of time off.

vacation! whoo!

i have 4 hours and 50 minutes before my vacation starts. yes, i'm counting down. yes, i've been counting down for weeks.

we meet up with the in-laws at 8am tomorrow to hit the road. we'll be making our way to broken bow, oklahoma for a weekend of camping (read as staying in a lavish cabin), fishing (read as me reading while other people fish), and hopefully running some trails. and then probably dying from heat exhaustion or bear attack.

i'm pumped to get out of here, though. i'm really looking forward to a weekend of nothing. sitting around reading, running, knitting, and cooking. all of my favorite things and in a pretty place. my main goal is to not kill my father-in-law (he tends to yell out answers when he's not playing trivia games and it makes me crazy).

my other goal is to not cry all weekend when we leave the puppies. i'm pathetic, i know. they're pretty excited that their grampy and grammy texas are coming to see them, so that'll help me out. my half sister's kids live in new hampshire and call my parents grammy and grampy texas (to not confuse them with the rest of their grandparents), so the puppies have decided to just go with the same name to make it easy. and gandalf's just in love with my dad, so he'll lose it when he walks in. it warms my heart.

when we get back we'll be ready for a week of nothing before our anniversary on friday. this will be five years of marriage (and 11 total). it's gone by so so fast and has been a ton of fun. we have had a fantastic marriage and can't wait to see what happens next. this is the part where normally a picture would be posted, but we hated our wedding photos so much we still haven't bought a single one. so here's some of us that are a little more us than our wedding photos would have been....

happy anniversary, dude! i love you!

it's hot.

it's been a good and a tough week all in one. i was pumped that throughout the weekend, i managed to lose a couple pounds and maintain it. just a couple, but those couple took me from being a pound above overweight to a pound into normal. and that's amazing all by itself. also amazing that one of the days last weekend was spent at mom's house, which is always a good way to gain weight. mom's really good at enabling me and tricking me into eating crap. or maybe we just love to cook and bake stuff and then eat loads of it. whatever the case, i call her an enabler and tell her she's being the devil. we have a great relationship.

i even managed to get in a run on sunday. alex's grandfather had had surgery on thursday and was moved into a rehab facility over the weekend. we were going to watch the first part of the mavs game with him before we went to a friend's house to finish the game (whoo! national champions!). i figured that since the facility's on our side of town i'd just leave a little early and run there to get my run in. plus i was going to wait till the evening so it wouldn't be hot. i looked at the map, it was about 4.3ish miles. easy. no big deal. i took off.

i don't know if anyone has heard yet, but it's really hot in june in texas. even at 6. luckily there's a park about 2 miles into the run, so i was able to get some water. during my water break i missed alex driving by hoping to give me some water. it was really hot. like 103. and humid. and i was running into the sun and into the wind. the great part was that the wind was blowing on me. the bad part was that the wind was blowing on me.

i was miserable. i just wanted to get there. something about that route just seemed unending. i need to remember to run where i have more than two straight paths. i just need it to break up the distance a little more. i crossed the busiest of the streets and started heading up the hill. felt like i was dying. looked at my garmin and told myself i only had a mile left. i just had to run like 12 minutes more (yes, i'm slow, i don't care). 12 minutes. i can do that.

i couldn't. i ended up stopping at 4. it was hot. i was getting the chills. my body wanted to shut down. i had another up hill. i had no desire to run those last .3 miles. so i didn't. i walked it. and it was great. one of the best decisions i'd made. i spent the next hour or so mopping up my sweaty body with the paper towels at the rehab place and trying to not sit on anything for fear of a puddle left behind when i stood back up.

i was smart enough (because alex didn't want me to embarrass him) to bring a shirt along to change into. and what shirt did i bring? my new fave (brought to you by the "nobody puts baby in a corner" people). it's not a super original idea anymore but i love it. it has a map of the u.s. with just texas drawn out and labeled. above texas it just says "the other states." and yes, we really believe we're the only state that matters. anyway, i was pumped to wear my new gray shirt. that's right. i brought a gray t-shirt to cover my sweaty body in 105 degree weather. so stupid. that's why i never buy shirts that aren't black. cause i live in texas and have to deal with 105 degree sweaty weather. thankfully, my paper towel usage worked pretty well and i wasn't completely mortified when i walked into our friend's house for the rest of the mavs game (whoo! national champions!).

plus i got to get taco cabana as a treat for my hard work running. and yes, overall i've done a pretty good job sticking with my reward plan. last night was trivia, so that always ends up being a bit of a free-for-all. and we ran out of food at the house, so today unfortunately started with donuts for breakfast and jimmy john's for lunch. jimmy john's wont' be too bad and i'm hoping that the donuts won't kill me. i just have to make it up tonight with a good run. luckily it rained last night so we had a bit of a cool front. it's only like 85 so far today and shouldn't get past 95ish tonight. piece of cake.

in other news, my boss's last day was yesterday, so now i'm doing her job as well. luckily she didn't teach me a thing and i have to figure it all out and look pretty stupid. the good news is that i only have to deal with it for a couple more days and then i go on vacation. whoo! anniversary trip with the in-laws! oklahoma! i'm actually pretty excited for it. i need a break from this place. for now, i'll just wait for lunch.

hit pound and then hang up?

just felt like i was michael bluth explaining to gob on how to use the phone.

a student just came up who apparently is new to the whole microwave thing. they're tricky, ya know. she wanted 3:30, but it would only go 3. i explained that she just needed to push the "add 30 seconds" buttons. this threw her for a loop.

"but i need it to be 3:30."

"yep, just push the 'add 30 seconds' button."

"so i push 'add 30 seconds' and then the 3?"

"nope, just push the 3, and then 'add 30 seconds.'"

"and that'll cook it for how long?"

"3:30."

"ok, we'll see if this works."

the same student was concerned about living on the second floor because of the number of stairs in our hall versus another hall. she wanted to know how many stairs we had. we were clueless. she counted them. took about 5 minutes (just one floor, not the whole building). she came down panting and was really disappointed that there were so many more stairs here.

she also wanted us to remodel her private bathroom because it "isn't going to work."

weird that she doesn't know how to use a microwave.