the beginning

after a two year weight loss/improved health journey, i'm almost back where i began. so not quite, but back to the point where i start hyperventilating and having fits because i've managed to slowly nudge myself back to the edge of overweight. at no point have i crossed the threshold into my dream state of what i consider my really healthy range. i lost about 25-30 lbs (depending on what day/week/month we're in) and feel great that i made any progress at all. i go pretty close to my goal range a few times, but always about 5-10 pounds short. the good thing is that my lifestyle is dramatically different and i feel that the things i have learned i will continue to put into practice.

i knew in the beginning that i wanted to make changes that would last, not necessarily something that i could knock out quickly. i began by running on the elliptical for about 10 minutes, nearly dying, and then rewarding myself for my hard work. soon i made it to the 20 minute range and eventually 30, then hour long stretch. i felt stronger, lighter (though definitely not light), and a tiny bit more comfortable in my skin.

after several weeks i decided that to really see a difference, i would need to tackle my diet. all i really wanted (and still want) was to eat chips, queso, enchiladas, cake, pasta, cookies, nachos, more chips, and ice cream without putting on a pound. turns out that doesn't get you very far but gets you very fat. who knew. so i decided i would never keep things up if i cut out all of my favorites forever. i just had to make a few tweaks here and there. or a lot of tweaks.

so i let lent kick things off. no cokes (or soda or pop or whatever you wanna call it). a bit of a challenge at first- oh how a ginormo mountain dew (fountain preferably) could get me a through a long day of retail. i found solace in sweet tea. so delicious. so refreshing. so full of just enough caffeine. so 450 calories?! you've got to be kidding me. so sweet tea left my life as quickly as it entered and i managed to make the switch to regular iced tea. 44oz. 9 calories. perfect.

next came the rest of my food. the great thing about my pasta was that it was low fat. the bad thing about my pasta was that it was high in portion size, calories, and white flour. not the way to get things done. i held back on portion sizes, added more veggies, and eventually started working in more whole grain pasta (not as tasty, but not missed the majority of the time. still can't quite love the pesto or plain chunky tomato sauce. it's a work in progress). my delicious (seriously, they're heaven) enchiladas would require more veggies as well. and less cheese. and less tortillas. and a smaller portion. i felt my spirit dying.

it's crazy, though. turns out exercise and a better diet meant you might lose some weight.
i became a bit obsessive about things. i started tracking my weight, food, and exercise on livestrong.com. i'm not much of a fan of lance armstrong (it was super annoying to live in austin when he was going for his 800th win of the tour de france), so i wasn't very excited about using his site, but it was easy to use and i loved the calorie information. so that's what i did. i worked out most days of the week. i ate less and chose better foods. after about 9 months i'd dropped close to 30 pounds and felt great. i was able to wear clothes i hadn't worn in 10 years (i knew there was a reason to keep them). i was able to do things i hadn't been able to do. while my self confidence was never skyrocketing, it had really improved.

then things sort of stopped. i didn't gain weight, which was great. but i completely plateaued. people talk on weight loss shows how everyone will go through that eventually. but it seems to normally last a few weeks at the most. not months. i was eating about 1400 calories a day, sometimes less. i worked out for 30 min to an hour 4-6 times a week. nothing. it was unbelievably frustrating.

then my elliptical broke. like i was running, i heard a clicking noise, and then both feet were on the floor. i just stood there, my heart breaking in disbelief. i switched to spinning and other cardio for a few weeks while we searched for a replacement. we got lucky and found another just like mine with 14 miles on it not too far away. so now i have some spare parts, which will be nice if the unthinkable happens.

i got back into the swing of things, but never quite like they had been. i kept my diet in check, but lacked some of the motivation in my workouts like i'd had. the only good thing was that i still managed to maintain my weight. i was in a range that i was comfortable with, even though it wasn't quite where i wanted it. it was close, and that was nice.
at the end of the summer i quit retail and got started at a university doing secretarial desk work. what a wonderful change. completely worth the pay cut. i worked normal hours, no weekends, not on my feet 8-10 hours a day. i wasn't stressed out anymore, i had no responsibility, nothing i had to take home to get finished. it was amazing.

some of the girls on staff had signed up to run the white rock marathon and half. i was really impressed. i had always wanted to become a runner, but jr. high track taught me that my shins and lungs didn't do as well as i'd like them to. elliptical was one thing, but pavement and heat and cold were not something i was interested in. the girls tried to encourage me to sign up for the half. they were crazy. it was 4 months away and i couldn't get through a mile if i tried.

so i tried. alex and i took the puppies for a walk one day around the park. i thought i'd just do some light jogging. just to see if i could make it half a mile. gandalf and i took off as slow as he'd let me go. i made it close to a mile. i didn't die. my shins and lungs were still in tact. i couldn't be more excited.

the next day at work i investigated the trail behind my house. a little over a mile from my mailbox. my new goal: get to the end of the trail without dying, walk back. i took off. i'm guessing about a 34 minute mile pace. made it to the end of the trail. didn't die. turned around. made it back to the house. didn't die. i just ran 2.4 miles! i felt reborn. the next day i did it again. the day after that i did 3. my dad was ecstatic. we signed up for a 5k. the next week i ran 5. i was on a roll. we signed up for a 10k. and another 10k.

my first race came. i didn't die. i didn't lose. i pulled out 4th in my age, top third of women, top half overall. i felt great considering how slow i am. the 10k proved to be about the same. 4th again. i felt like prefontaine. so what if he had national records with his 4th place finish.
i was in love. i loved heading to the trails at the lake and running through the "woods." i loved pushing up a (short) hill. i loved a light breeze in the air, feeling strong and sweaty, pearl jam in my ears. pure heaven. i signed up for a half marathon. i was ready. i could do this.

then it got king of chilly. or it rained. or i felt sick. or it was a tuesday. i kept going, but not like i had been. still loved it, but lacked the motivation i needed. i read articles from lifelong runners that said the first mile always sucked and they never felt like it, but were always happy once they got going. i understood, but couldn't get out there like i used to.

for my birthday, dad and i ran the 9 miles to my little hometown from an even smaller town down the highway. it wasn't the mileage that was so tough. it seemed like it was all a really slow hill. plus it was so straight, with farms on both sides, and the noise from the highway. there were just no distractions. we somehow survived it. the great news was that my birthday was awesome. first good one to my knowledge- not sick, not crying, not working a 14 hour day to get through the christmas rush. so that was awesome.

ended the year with a great long run. started the new year with another great run- 11 miles on the trails. alex even ran a few with me. it was great. this was going to be my year. i was motivated, i felt great. i had plans and i was going to accomplish them. then it was icy. then i got sick. then it kept snowing (since when is the wind chill in texas negative 9?!). plus fun people kept showing up that wanted to hang out and have dinner. so i had to eat an extra 5000 calories. and then something else came up, so i had to eat another 5000 calories. and not run. or get dressed on the snowdays.

so i finally got fed up. i was done with laziness. the weather was beautiful. i wanted to be healthier. it was time. so i got going again. i still couldn't quite get in my groove, but i was doing it, and that was what mattered. i had a half marathon coming up in a few weeks, so i had to kick it into gear and stop screwing around.

but then valentines came and alex made me that cake. it had sprinkles and a cinnamon swirl. it was so wonderful. and only 500 calories a slice. for real. i tried to resist. didn't happen. also ate some pesto. gained a pound. ran. more pesto. more cake. ran. another pound. no pesto. ran. lost a pound! no pesto. ran 5 miles. had sensible dinner. and cake. and then wound up at a mexican restaurant for 2nd dinner- not sensible and with chips and queso. gained 2 pounds. hit THE edge of healthy weight. i was .2 pounds away from overweight.

i freaked out. my breakfast fell off the english muffin, melting cheese on the toaster. i threw it in the trash after tearing it apart. i cried. i wallowed in self pity. i thought of everything i don't like about myself. i wanted nothing good to happen. i went to work.

i put on a brave face for everyone around me, trying to mask my hatred. then this lovely lovely girl stopped as she was leaving the building, turned around, and wished me a happy friday. isn't amazing how one sweet person can turn your day around with just a few syllables?
so i made a vow. for real this time. today i'm eating rice and beans for lunch. then i'm leaving work and i'm going for a run. i'm shooting for an hour. at least 5 miles. and then i'm eating something normal for dinner (baked potato with black beans and salsa and a salad? delicious). then tomorrow i'm getting up early to go to alex's great uncle's 80th birthday party. will there be something horrible but delicious there to eat? yes there will. but i will scan everything available and choose to fill my plate with something healthy and put a little tiny bit of the bad around it. and i will only eat one piece of cake. and i will walk their property if given the chance. and i will go for another run on sunday and love it.

it's the start for me. i will not let that extra .2 pounds enter my scale's history. i am on the edge and i am stepping back. i have no choice. i know what is right and i will be in control of actions. now it's time to get it together. starting now i'm going to attempt (that being the key word) to move past this. i am going to make a conscious decision to focus on what i can control, what i want, and how i will behave. i will take the time to breathe and recognize when i could be a little more understanding to someone when i'm in a bad mood because it's most likely not their fault. it's not a new day, but it is a new hour and it is my start. i may slip up, but i will not fail.

so i shall run. and cook well. and knit. maybe even sew. it has begun.