aha moment

it's been one of those weeks. not necessarily bad, or really great, but just one of those weeks. i kicked it off on monday vowing to get my workouts back on schedule. unfortunately this was proven a little more difficult than planned thanks to some weirdness in my body. i have a strange mix of ugh feelings- headache/dizziness/nausea/abnormally low body temperature. the good news is that i only feel bad if i'm not eating or sleeping. so i try to stay on top of the eat/sleep combo as much as possible. i go to the doctor this afternoon to see how things look. i'm hoping for a pill that takes care of the symptoms and also knocks off about 25 pounds. so here's hoping.

i'm happy to say that i managed to get some workouts in on monday and tuesday. and i'm especially happy to say that i got myself to do them after a nap and after dinner both nights. normally i would have just brushed them off as being too late. i ovalized on monday around 9:30 or so. and then i got in a quick 3 miles tuesday around 8ish. i felt so much more accomplished than normal. yesterday i was hoping to get in a few miles after dinner with some friends (a delicious veggie sandwich from five guys of all places), but alex's grandfather broke his hip yesterday, so we spent the evening at the hospital. i'm really glad we came when we did because we managed to be there for all the doctor visits to give his medical history and get the low down on his surgery. i haven't had to be the person in charge before, so it was a good learning experience for me. but things seem to be going okay there, and the staff is incredible. it really takes some amazing people to do that job and i am so thankful for them.

needless to say i didn't get a workout in. i did managed to stay pretty much within my calories for the day (maybe 50 or so over is all). so that was awesome. i'm just dreading getting on the scale at the doctor's today. it won't matter once they fork over those magic pills.

i've been reading through a book oprah gave away on favorite things last christmas- a course in weight loss: 21 spiritual lessons for surrendering your weight forever by marianne williamson. as the name suggests it integrates spirituality with weight loss and allows you to free yourself from the things that have kept you from losing weight. i had trouble getting into it because i was usually reading before bed and had trouble really thinking about what i was reading. plus it called for some exercises that i didn't feel like taking the time for or doing.

but the last few chapters have had some good things in it. some things that have never crossed my mind and should have a long time ago. one of the best things was to again do as the title suggests and actually surrender your weight to god. it was a new thought to me. we talk all the time about giving your life to god and letting him control things. and while we say that in reference in many aspects of our lives- jobs, family, struggles, health- we never actually talk about the weight aspect of our health. we trust god to do so many things, but not our weight. if we believe he can cure cancer, how is it too much to think he can't control our weight? it was a revolutionary thought to me. and a freeing one. i could turn it over to god and allow him to guide me and take care of it. the thought made my trail run last week really amazing. i spent the last half of it just letting things go and trusting that god would take care of me- even the little things like just getting through that run. i'm not saying i have it together by any means, but keeping that in my head gives me so much comfort during the day and takes a lot of the pressure off of me that i'm taking on.

another new revelation came to me today as i was reading the another mother runner blog. the blogger they featured today said that one thing she can't run without is a body wash that she used as a treat when she'd run over 10 miles. simple idea. earth shattering to me. i grew up with food as a reward. good grades- banana split. class president- mexican dinner. great volleyball game- pizza. tuesday- more mexican food. fun girls day- more mexican food. while i hope to raise my own children with rewards not involving food (still figuring that out, luckily i have some time), i don't know how to get away from it. i love food and use it to justify good and bad days. and i use it after a great run to celebrate my strength. but it never occurred to me to treat myself for a real accomplishment. maybe i can eat something great this week, but only after a 7 mile run or 15 miles that week. maybe i can have real dessert today, but only after 50 push ups. maybe my rewards can still be there as long as they relate to accomplishing something that i've set as a true goal. a reward for the work, not a justification.

again, none of this should be new to me, but somehow it was an aha moment, in keeping with oprah's favorite things.

so tonight's another busy night. doctor's appointment after work, hospital run after that, floorset after that. and maybe i can fit in a run. but if not, that's okay. but i can't justify full blown taco cabana just because i worked floorset (though if i still have the calories left in the day, it can be a modified option). whatever the case, i'm working on reward not justification and letting god take over. i'm hoping for those magic pills too, just to make it easier on him.